When I was 20, I decided that I was going to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It wasn’t ideal timing. I was in excellent physical shape, running every day, riding my bike, hiking, swimming laps, and playing competitive soccer. I was having a great time dating and was doing pretty well in University.

I had no reason to go on an eighteen-month mission at the ripe age of 21, somewhere unknown to me, to proselyte and spread the word of God. Something I really didn’t know that much about.

But as usual, God had different plans for me, and thus I filled out my mission application, did all the appropriate preparatory classes and what not. On May 25th, 2011, my parents dropped me off at the Missionary Training Center (MTC) in Provo, Utah with two very full suitcases and an 18-month supply of tampons.

I was excited to go make a difference!

To go lose myself in the service of others, to learn a new language, and make new friends. It was the best 18 months for my life.

Was it awesome? YES!

Did I grow a ton? YES!

Was it tear-filled and the most difficult experience I willfully signed up for? YES!

It was all those things and more. Which is why I know that sharing my experience will help a lot of you. I have held this experience a secret for a long time; about 8 years. It’s hard to talk about one of the most depressing and dark times of your life.

So I hope I can help at least one of you. If you have questions, feel free to reach out, and also check out the resources I have included at the end.

While I was serving a mission in the Neuquen, Argentina Mission back in 2011-2012, I developed Bulimia.

For those of you who don’t know what Bulimia is, it is a brutal cycle of binging, purging and repeat.

It became my deep, dark missionary secret. I knew if I told anyone, I would be sent home.

Being sent home is not a bad thing! I just didn’t want to do it. I come from a long line of missionaries, stemming back to the 1800’s and wanted to be part of that legacy. Therefore, I put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself to be a perfect missionary.

I couldn’t tell you exactly what triggered my eating disorder, but I have a few theories.

Theory #1:

I was serving a mission in a country where I couldn’t speak the language and had a hard time connecting with people and expressing myself. I was left without my usual coping methods such as running. I spent a lot of nights crying and a lot of mornings nursing a language-barrier-induced head ache.

Without the ability to release my stress or express myself, I felt more and more alone. I didn’t know where to turn and my loneliness manifested itself in the form of Bulimia.

Theory #2:

Missions are very structured with very little free time. Because of that, I started to feel a big lack of control. I wasn’t able to do my usual exercise routine. I didn’t get to control what or how much I ate. And I didn’t get to control who my companion was. The only thing I had control over was what came out of my body and when. Which in turn became bulimia.

It was the only thing I felt I had control over, so I used it.

Theory #3:

Before I left on my mission, far too many people felt it prudent to tell me how fat I’d get as if this somehow mattered or would help. For example…

“I gained 50 pounds on my mission! You probably will, too!”

“You can’t say no to food, so you’ll gain a lot of weight.”

“You’re going to Argentina? They eat a lot of pasta. You’ll come home 50 pounds heavier, but at least your hair will look nice.”

Hearing all that scared me. I didn’t want to get fat. Once that idea was planted in my mind, it grew at a frightful rate. That little voice in my head started getting louder and easier to hear. I got so obsessed with this fear that, eventually, bulimia was fully manifesting itself in my daily mission life.

I was exceptional at hiding it but it was eroding my spirit.

I remember being at peoples homes for lunch and eating three full plates of food and then desert. This food was some of the best food I ever had. The only problem is, it can be impolite to say no. I found myself over eating daily, and I did start to gain weight. After meals, I would steal away to the bathroom and throw up as much as I felt safe without revealing my secret. I then would get on with my day.

Engaging in eating disorder behavior never made me feel good. In fact, it made me feel worse. Not only because it hurts your physical body, but it starts to erode your spirit.

Carrying that secret around for the majority of my mission made me feel alone.

I wanted desperately to tell someone and receive help, but like I said above, I knew if I came clean, they’d send me home. That was the last thing I wanted.

The idea of getting sent home terrified me, so I carried that secret around the whole time. None of my companions asked me about it, so to this day, I assume my secret was safe.

Was it tear-filled and the most difficult experience I willfully signed up for?

Yes. It really was. I learned so much! I learned about my weaknesses, fears, and insecurities. But I also learned about how hard life is for some people. I saw true poverty, neglect, abuse, hunger…

Did I grow a ton?

Yes. Because of all the difficult experiences, I was able to grow in empathy, capacity for love and service, and challenge myself more than ever.

Was it awesome?

Yes. I wouldn’t trade my mission for any sum of money. Eating disorder and all. Without it, I would be a completely different person on a completely different path.

To read about my recovery, click HERE!

In the meantime, please see below for online eating disorder resources.

If you have any questions, feel free to reach out. I am by no means a professional or qualified to treat eating disorders in any way, but I believe it is important to be able to talk about it.

Additional resources:

Church Resources:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2019/08/young-adults/i-am-worth-fighting-for-overcoming-my-eating-disorder?lang=eng

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/video/his-grace/2018-02-0010-living-with-an-eating-disorder?lang=eng

Other resources:

http://www.your-bulimia-recovery.com/ (Full disclosure I used to write for this site. It has excellent resources!)